Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
