These Phrases given by My Parent That Rescued Us during my time as a Brand-New Father
"In my view I was simply just surviving for twelve months."
One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the difficulties of fatherhood.
Yet the actual experience quickly proved to be "completely different" to what he pictured.
Life-threatening health complications during the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her main carer while also caring for their infant son Leo.
"I took on every night time, every nappy change… every walk. The duty of both parents," Ryan explained.
Following eleven months he burnt out. That was when a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he required support.
The straightforward statement "You are not in a good place. You need support. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering.
His situation is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While society is now more comfortable talking about the pressure on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers face.
Asking for help is not weak to request support'
Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a larger reluctance to open up between men, who continue to absorb damaging perceptions of manhood.
Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."
"It is not a display of weakness to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.
Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.
They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the family.
Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to ask for a respite - going on a short trip away, outside of the family home, to get a fresh outlook.
He realised he needed to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a new baby.
When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.
Self-parenting
That epiphany has transformed how Ryan perceives being a dad.
He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older.
Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.
The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.
During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.
Stephen says repressing feelings led him to make "bad choices" when younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in drink and drugs as a way out from the hurt.
"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he notes. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."
Tips for Coping as a New Father
- Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a friend, your partner or a professional what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
- Maintain your passions - continue with the activities that helped you to feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
- Pay attention to the body - eating well, physical activity and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is coping.
- Connect with other parents in the same boat - listening to their experiences, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
- Know that requesting help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can care for your household.
When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time.
Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead give the security and nurturing he missed out on.
When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way.
Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their issues, altered how they express themselves, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.
"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.
"I expressed that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."
